Miserable isn’t a word I’d use lightly. But that is exactly how I felt. Persistently miserable. In body, mind, but most importantly, in spirit. Spiritual apathy is how I’d describe the state I’d let myself get into. And let me tell you, that spiritual apathy spilled out & took hold of everything else.
It felt as though I was constantly trying to fill a void within myself. A void that I didn’t even understand. Why did I feel so hollow all the time? Why was I so consistently down on myself? Why was I in a constant state of worry & self-doubt?
I was addicted to TV, social media, Pinterest, Candy Crush & the like, and other various forms of “time wasters”. I was also addicted to sugar & almost all forms of junk food, primarily chocolate. Specifically- family sized chocolate bars when they’re 3 for $5.00. I’d buy them, trying to tell myself that they would last, but knowing they wouldn’t even last the day & I that I was just kidding myself. Or Cadbury cream eggs after Easter when they’re marked down to $0.25 each & buying 30 seems like a good idea, even if the cashier is giving me side-eye. They were always polite, trying their best to not stare at the morbidly obese girl clearing them out of their Easter candy.
In retrospect I wonder what I would’ve done if just one brave soul had called me out & said, “Ummm- do you think buying those is a good idea? You kind of look like you actually need to *lay off the feed bag a little bit”. I probably would’ve been stunned, deer in headlights mode for a hot minute, but still would have bought them anyway, rushing out of the store intensely embarrassed & dwelling on that scene for the next 15 years, primarily at 3 in the morning.
I guess we’ll never really know how that would’ve played out, because somehow, through a series of miracles, I was able to be pulled out of that miserable state & begin a very worthwhile, restorative healing process.
I wanted to put together a place where I could gather all the things I've learned - things about myself & how to change, methods used to instigate healing, and the modalities that have allowed a vast improvement in my life.
In (approx) March of 2018 I felt like I'd hit rock bottom. It probably didn't really appear as such, but I had. A lifetime of various traumas had taken their toll & I knew it was time to do something about the turmoil I was constantly feeling.
The first realization that spurred this leaf turning scenario was that I was really selfish. I remember having that thought specifically & actually letting it truly sink in, instead of brushing it off or pushing it down.
I was selfish about a lot of things - and I needed to change that.
Admitting our faults - truly letting ourselves FEEL the negative emotion associated with this process - can have a powerful effect. When we allow ourselves to embrace a negative emotion, it will typically only last about 90 seconds. This is much more preferable in comparison to our usual pattern - pushing things down & not allowing the negative sensation to fully emerge - where it could be dealt with & be rid of.
Did you know we can control our emotions? Our thoughts about something - a situation, a person, an experience, are immediate - but we are able to choose HOW we feel about that initial thought can be changed, if need be, to ensure a better outcome.
I learned this from Brooke Castillo - of the Life Coach School. She is amazing & a lot of things I learned in the beginning stages of my healing emotion work were from her amazing podcasts. The one about your thoughts is linked below.